We all crave affection but lack the competency to sustain one
To whatever prompted you to read this,
She didn’t contact you because she didn’t want you to misinterpret her intention. In fact, she had no intention other than she thought of you, and it would be genuinely great to hear from you.
But she knew you would read between the lines, looking for a hidden meaning underneath her “hello.” You would expect from “What have you been up to?” more than just a polite conversation — something like an active interest, an invitation, or a plan.
Frankly, she’s really not in a place to deliver things in any shape or form. Nor could she take responsibility for the “I miss you” that she might slip out on the spur of the moment.
She didn’t contact you because, part of her was afraid that she might recklessly say more than she should.
She might want to come to you again, yet for all the wrong reasons.
Last time, when she texted you at 4 am to cut off ties with you. The time she begged you to give her few minutes and listen. The time she ran back to take her last hug from you. The questions you left unanswered. She would let everything go in that one moment of intimacy from your side. She would’ve totally thrown away her rationale and found her way back to your arms – had it not been for some circumstantial inconvenience.
The problem is, it isn’t because she wanted to be with you.
It’s because it was 4 am and she could only think about you. She woke up from her sleep, only to think whether you were a nightmare or a dream.
What’s worse is, you might just want the same thing. But she would end up feeling as though she was a pathetic mess who had no self-respect.
So what if it happens again? How does she resist your interest, invitation, and plan? How could she keep being stupid and making decisions that do her no good? Being with you for few hours will ruin her following months.
If it was a year ago, you would probably get a text back within 30 seconds of contacting her, and she would smile the brightest around you. She would give no shit about the impracticality of you and her, despite being well aware that she would be the one to get hurt, eventually.
But she doesn’t want trouble anymore.
She’s no longer thrilled by the sign of danger and moments that give her instant gratification but would ultimately ruin her. She’s been through enough to see the ending before you. She is saving people from the hassle now.
That being said, to be fair, it’s not just about you.
She doesn’t contact you or anyone because, really, right now, she needs time for herself.
It doesn’t matter how great someone is — at this stage of life, she’s not ready for a “we,” and she’s happy being on her own.
There are so many things she would like to do for herself and her future, and she won’t be able to give it her best if her time and energy stays invested elsewhere. She has realised that searching for adventure in places is far better than people. She is not hesitant to work towards her goal and dreams. She is picking up the pieces back and starting to see the bigger picture.
She has no clue where she will be in a year or two. She does not plan to settle with life. She is walking towards building her life. She wants to choose the life than settle with it. She would rather invest her energy in someone who needs her in the remote villages and countries. Her time dedicated to helping people would unlock the love for herself.
She doesn’t want to get involved with someone and have one foot out the door while pretending she can be the chill girl doing casual stuff.
She’s not chill, and she doesn’t want to be casual with the people she likes.
She wants to be all in. She wants to make promises when she’s capable of keeping and turning them into proper actions. Realistically, now is not the time for that yet. She does not wish for a husband, but her family back in their home country. She wants to enjoy her present.
So, if she doesn’t contact you, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t think of you.
If there’s no response from her, it doesn’t mean her heart has been immune to human affection.
Many times, she has typed and teared the letter half-way through. Many times, she has waited to see if there was another message after her silence. But she left the space herself. She knows that she would not want to enter a life, only to leave a mark. She wants to stay and occupy the seat beside you in the cinema hall. She wants to book a vacation for two. But not yet. She wants to be more aware of her action.
Her door might be closed, but it’s not locked yet.
She’s still a woman, and sometimes a woman wants to have a man by her side and her womanly desires fulfilled. But, unfortunately, she can’t have her cake and eat it too.
If there is anything worthwhile she has learned, something based it on patience and self-control. She cannot push anyone for an immediate reply. She cannot force someone to love her. Now she patiently waits for the other person to walk beside her than run behind him.
She’s happy to wait and stay grounded for her dream life because she knows the things she truly wants are not readily available — it takes time to develop.
For now, she doesn’t mind replying later. Now she does not mind walking alone. She does not mind cooking for herself. She knows what she wants to bring into her life – professionally and personally. She too is ready to write her chapters in the book of life. Cause in hindsight, this will be the path which was less travelled by and that would have made all the difference.
AND YES, YOU TOO CAN!